Originally published in the Medium publication Promptly Written, for the quote-prompt '“Some people live just looking for someone to die for.”― Dominic Riccitello' set by Ravyne Hawke.
Mornings Dawn, Whether You Want Them To Or Not
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| Image by Martina Bulková from Pixabay |
Mornings dawn whether you want them to or not. The world should give everyone a break and stop, sometimes. Take a day off.
So the morning dawned. And Lilian did not want it to. But still, the sun, (such as it was in the gloomy weather,) came up. And the drizzle ran down her cheeks.
She never asked for any of this. Lilian had never asked for anything. Ever. She was happy with her lot — or had been, until now.
Perhaps, if she closed her eyes tight enough, she could convince herself that she was still asleep. That her waking life was nothing more than a hollow, uncaring, dream.
She didn’t want today to happen. She didn’t want to sit in a drafty church, rain beating on the roof, dressed in warm-chill black clothes, and listen to the vicar lead the service. She didn’t want to sing along with the hymns. She didn’t want to hide her tears, or to let them fall. She didn’t want to follow the throng up the mountain, to where a square hole had been cut from the land. She didn’t want to be there as the coffin descended.
She didn’t want today to happen. Because then he’d really be gone — so long, let’s head back to the pub for a cup of tea and slice of bara brith, and reminisce with all the other people who’ve just said goodbye alongside you. We’ll all make awkward small talk in black dresses.
Who would you die for? A friend, a lover, a parent, a child, a stranger?
Who would you kill for? Is that a shorter list? Are the same people on it?
Lilian looked out at the rain-dawn through a drop-clouded window, twisted her wedding ring around on her chilled finger, and wanted the world to stop. She wanted the woman across the road to stop getting into her car — don’t go to work today, you can’t, because he’s dead.
And it doesn’t matter if you never knew him, never even heard his name, because he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead. Don’t you understand that, you stupid bitch? He’s dead.
He’s dead.
And she doesn’t want the world she lives in to be one without him in it.
And she can’t make that happen. She wants him back. Is that so much to ask? A little karma, for once in her life — she’s owed back-payments, surely. She’s carried this grief-knife through her guts for two weeks now, and that by itself should account for something.
There’s just no negotiating with life, is there?
She doesn’t want the world she lives in to be one without him in it.
It’s like the world broke her contract — be good, work hard, and good things will find you. Will they, though? Will they? Because the world just took everything from her. The world can shove it.
She wanted to trade.
She wanted to replace him, somehow, in death. Make a deal. They let you do that in stories, don’t they? Do a deal, make a wish, and poof! Good as new.
She’d have done anything for him, she’d do anything to have him here right now. To have and to hold, right?
She always said she’d die for him. But that would be too easy, to give her life for his — no question, sacrifice made without a pause. Yeah, that’d be easy.
It’s much easier to die for someone than it is to live without them.
Who would you die for? A friend, a lover, a parent, a child, a stranger?
Who would you kill for? Is that a shorter list? Are the same people on it?
Tell me, then. Who would you live for? Who would you allow yourself the agony of grief for? Who would you carry on without, knowing how badly it hurts, because it’s what they would have wanted?
Lilian did not want today to happen. But as it seemed determined to do so, she wiped her tears, and went to get the black dress from the wardrobe, where she had hung it the night before.
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I couldn't read the whole of it, because grief is sometimes a bit scary for me to contend with, but I'm sure it is really good! :)
ReplyDeleteLol, no worries Em - thank you :)
DeleteMy heart aches reading this. Beautifully and painfully spoken.
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you so much! <3
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