(Warning: as you can probably tell, this post is about Depression. It also includes brief references to ableism, suicidal thoughts, suicidality, and passive suicidality.)
Disclaimer time!
I am not a mental health or medical professional.
I am someone with personal experience of Depression and Anxiety, and this post is based on my own experiences only.
Mental health problems are intensely personal and therefore have a range of complex, varied, and valid experiences.
If you need help - PLEASE seek help. Getting in touch with a doctor or other help is scary, but so totally worth it - YOU are worth it. Please take care.
If you're in the UK or ROI, you can talk to The Samaritans about anything at any time. Check out their contact details here.
If you're not in the UK or ROI, you can check out this list of international suicide helplines.
I wrote this post because I was having one of those days where my Depression was really bad, and, as well-meaning as people are, so many people still don't understand Depression.
So I did what I do - I wrote an intensely personal, slightly rambling, blogpost, trying to explain what Depression can be like.
This was the result - not entirely sure how helpful and/or readable it is, but here we are!
PLEASE be careful while reading! Especially if you struggle with mental health problems (I did the brutally honest thing I do sometimes...)
Depression is holding back a boulder every single day, and then getting crushed when you get too tired to hold it any more.
People will pass you holding up, (or being crushed by,) your boulder and wonder why you're making such a fuss - they held a pebble once, and it's totally the same thing.
Depression is hearing the question 'how are you?' and knowing that it's a test of your social skills.
It's not a question, it's a minefield.
The person asking it wants a specific answer.
Sometimes, they even want the truth.
Depression is pain and pain and pain.
Depression is like finger nails tearing tiny strips from your soul.
Depression is a liar and a b**ch.
Depression is going to sleep and not caring if you wake up or not.
It's going to sleep and wanting to never wake up.
It's wondering whether you should do something to stop yourself from waking up.
Depression is thoughts that aren't yours mixing with thoughts that are yours until you can't tell the difference.
It's thoughts that aren't yours that you know aren't yours, but won't go away regardless.
It's thoughts that are yours but which are warped by the Something Else - the thing in your head, the thing running through your veins like poison.
It's the thoughts that are yours and the thoughts that aren't yours feeding on each other, trying to hurt you, trying to kill you.
Depression is knowing you can do the thing, and not being able to do the thing.
Depression is not being able to think, to feel, to care.
It's thinking too much, feeling too much, caring too much.
It's doing both at the same time.
Depression is not feeling anything enough.
Not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not brave enough, not bold enough, not attractive enough, not Queer enough, not talented enough, not deserving enough.
Not ill enough to be taken seriously.
Depression is being stuck between too ill to function and not so ill that people will accept that you can't function.
Depression is feeling like nothing you do is ever right, is ever good enough, can ever make up for your existence on this planet.
Depression is a liar and a b**ch.
Depression is not knowing where Depression ends and you begin.
Depression is sad and sad and sad.
Depression is the moment after you hear someone you loved has died.
Only the feeling doesn't go away, barely fades sometimes, when it's really bad. The feeling stays for days/weeks/months/years, with very few moments when it's gone entirely.
Depression is a desolate landscape.
Depression is the kind of tears that hurt physically, pulled from somewhere deep inside.
Depression is getting up the 6000th time, only to be knocked down again.
Depression is a thousand metaphors, a million experiences, and none of them ever quite capturing everything.
Depression is a liar and a b**ch.
Depression is getting up the 6001st time, only to be knocked down again.
Depression is knowing you're not being all that is you but not being able to reach every part of you.
It's knowing that you are more and being unable to be more. Like part of your self has been locked in a safe, and no-one has the key.
Depression is getting up the 6050th time, only to be knocked down again.
Depression is not everything you are.
Depression is not you.
Depression will not win.
Depression is getting up the 7000th time, and hoping this time you'll stay on your feet.
Depression is getting up the 7001st time.
The 7002nd time.
The 7100th time.
Depression is not everything you are.
Depression will not win.
If you're in the UK or ROI, you can talk to The Samaritans about anything at any time. Check out their contact details here.
If you're not in the UK or ROI, you can check out this list of international suicide helplines.
Oh Cee, I am sending you the biggest hug <3 I totally get where you're coming from. My sister has depression, and she has described exactly the same thing. I also could relate myself to your quote: "Depression is thoughts that aren't yours mixing with thoughts that are yours until you can't tell the difference."
ReplyDeleteThose damn intrusive thoughts are terrible. They have been pestering me recently as well. But, it is always a good thing to rant, talk, scream, whatever you need to do to get your emotions out. I am here for you, just like I know you're here for me. If you ever want to talk, just say the word. Even if you just need a cute animal gif, lord knows I've got a lot of those!
Love you. You've got this.
Thanks Em - you really are the sweetest, and it does mean so much <3 <3 <3
DeleteSometimes I just need the world to know how much they don't know. Which is why I end up writing posts like this :)
Always here when you need me too - although, always remember the time difference means I'm not ignoring you, I'm probably sleeping! ;)
Intrusive thoughts suck *hugs* - you're amazing Em, I promise.
I came here after reading Emily's February wrap-up post, where she linked to this one. I know the power of a good venting - but posts like this go above and beyond that, because after reading, those of us who have never experienced depression go back to our lives with a bit more understanding and compassion, and there's never enough of those. Stay strong 💛.
ReplyDeleteThat's so incredibly sweet - thank you so much <3
DeleteAnd I'm so happy to be referred to you by such an amazing human as Em - she's a star! :)
This is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know I can never fully understand it, but thank you for helping me try.
ReplyDeleteNicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction
Thank you so much <3
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