Nerd Church - OK UK, We're F**ked

Who do you vote for when there is no least-worst option?

I'm damned if I know; but for the sake of being a helpful little Bookish Rebel, I'm going to try to go through the options with you!

(Aren't you lucky?! ...What do you mean 'no?')

Don't be afraid to ask questions - I don't bite, and I may inadvertently slip into British and/or Wenglish slang and totally confuse you.

Anyways, for those outside the UK (& I'm never gonna get used to saying that!) - we here in the good ol' UK of GB & NI* are having a general election on Thursday 8th June.

*United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland - you can see why we shorten it!

Now, the UK system is pretty ridiculous antiquated and impractical, but it's the one we have to work with:

• You vote for who you want to be your local Member of Parliament (MP.)

• Whoever has the most votes in your constituency becomes the MP for that area.

• The Prime Minister is the leader of whichever party has the most MPs by the end of things.

• If there's no over-all majority (as in, if all the other parties combined out-number the most popular party,) then we end up with a hung parliament, and everyone gets very p**sed off.*

*Although the Welsh Assembly Government seems to be able to make coalition governments work with a lot less fuss than what happens in Westminster #JustSaying.

What this means is we don't vote for the Prime Minister - we vote for the local candidate.

And yes, it has a tendency to work out pretty unfairly, because some seats are 'safe' - i.e., you have zero chance of changing which party is in power in that area - whereas other seats are 'swing' - i.e., up-for-grabs.





What are these political parties then?

Well, we actually have a whole bunch of them, but we have 2 main ones, and a few slightly smaller ones who have enough representatives to warrant a mention.





Our current situation looks something like this*:

*Obviously, these are my opinions. You're welcome to disagree (but right now I think pretty much everyone is useless at best.)

Also, I know nothing about the Northern Irish parties, so I've left them out here instead of sticking my foot in it.





The Conservatives

Also known as the Tories or the Tory party, these are the people currently in power (Lord help us.)

Led by Mrs May, who is basically Thatcher Lite, (and no, that's not a compliment,) they're a bunch of upper and upper middle class toffs who don't understand what it's like to have to earn anything.

Mrs May doesn't give a damn about any part of the Union but England (despite her protestations to the contrary) - she especially doesn't understand or care about Wales.

She and the Tories have a terrible record on disabled rights and LGBTQ+ rights.

(Not to mention the rights of anyone without family money.)

I don't like them; does it show? ;)

via GIPHY

Labour

The Labour Party was born of the Trade Union movements at the start of the last century; it is our socialist party, standing up for workers and the poor.

Unfortunately, they are currently being led by Jeremy Corbyn, an inept, impractical, Lenin-wannabe who should've resigned as Labour leader after he lost the last general election, in 2015.

Even in the traditional Labour heartlands of Wales and the North of England, Corbyn isn't that popular.

I've heard him described by a random bloke from Merthyr Tydfil (South Wales,) who was interviewed in one of those 'what does the public think?' things, as 'a lemon.'

That assessment is pretty accurate.







The Liberal Democrats

The Lib Dems f**ked up their reputation of the party for protest and student votes by going in with the Tories as a coalition in the last parliament and screwing the students over.

Their current policy seems to be 'weed will win the students back.' And their current leader is an a**hole named Tim Farron who doesn't have a great record on LGBTQ+ rights.

via GIPHY

Scottish National Party

OK, first off: SCOTTISH AND WELSH NATIONALISM IS NOT FACISM - IT'S ABOUT INDEPENDENCE FROM THE UNION AND STANDING UP FOR OUR RIGHTS.

*ahem*

Right, to be honest, people outside Scotland would like to vote SNP right now. Nicola Sturgeon is the only politician with her head screwed on right.

Seriously Scottish people, go right ahead and vote for them. No-one will blame you.







Plaid Cymru

A reminder: SCOTTISH AND WELSH NATIONALISM IS NOT FACISM - IT'S ABOUT INDEPENDENCE FROM THE UNION AND STANDING UP FOR OUR RIGHTS.

OK, I'm just going to help you say it now before I feel like bashing my ears in on election night: Plied (as in, plied a trade,) Cum-ree.

OK? It really is that simple. Please though, if you still can't say it, get a Welsh person to say it for you. Please. Dear God, please.

-0-

Unfortunately, Plaid Cymru - the Welsh nationalist party - is not great either.

There's a lot of factions within Plaid, an awful lot of which are just not worth dealing with. Plus they tend to verge on the side of the unscientific in terms of agriculture.

And then there's the language politics... *sigh* I'd need a whole post to attempt to explain that to you, so we'll just leave it there.

There's also some historic links to militant and/or radical organisations. We'll leave that there too.

Their leader, Leanne Wood, is also fairly useless, and occasionally petty. #TrueStory.

Interlude!

Talking of Plaid Cymru, this is a legit. conversation I had with my father a month or two back:

Me: I'd vote for Satan before Plaid Cymru, and Plaid Cymru before UKIP.

Dad: How would you know he was in Westminster?

Me: Who? Satan?

Dad: Yeah. He'd blend in, wouldn't he?*

Me: He'd be the one using a coaster.**

Dad:

via GIPHY

*Honestly, you can see where I get it from.

**I don't know. I say weird things when I'm tired sometimes!

Interlude Over!

The Green Party

There's nothing really wrong with them, but they have a tendency to be impractical, and don't have the numbers to be serious contenders.







UKIP

Don't vote UKIP. They're racist buttholes. The end.

via GIPHY

So who should you vote for?

No idea. But I'm going to suggest you do something radical. Vote for whoever you think will make the best local MP.

That's right - vote for the thing we've actually got some level of control (however small) over, and leave the rest to deal with itself.

But whatever you do, please vote!

I don't care if you hate all of them - go down and spoil your paper. Doodle on it, write an essay, swear in Dutch; I don't care.

Just go down to your polling station and make a mark. Because if you don't, politicians will think they can walk all over you.

If you liked this post, why not buy me a coffee? :)

Related reading:

• Nerd Church - No Future

• Nerd Church - Brexit: What The Actual F**k?

• Nerd Church - Sing It For the World