Nerd Church - Mental is Physical

Today guys, I'm going to be talking about the physical aspects of depression and anxiety. (Man, I sound like a teacher or something *shudders.*)

So, why am I talking about this? Well, I've had another sh*ty week depression-wise, and a lot of people just don't seem to realise there are physical effects of depression and anxiety - so I kind of wanted to explain and educate a little.

Hopefully this will give you some insight into the type of thing people with depression and/or anxiety are having to deal with.

I'm going to be candid here - so it may get a little distressing guys.

Obviously, this is my experience of mental health problems: everyone is different, and will be affected differently.

Lack of energy

You know when you are so goddamned bone-tired that even getting up to pee seems like something that's debatable? You know when your limbs ache with just how tired you are?

That's how I feel sometimes - with no reason but the depression.

Thank God for my cat, he meows outside my door every morning. I don't think I'd get up without him.

This really isn't helped by the fact that I have trouble sleeping a lot.

Sleeping Problems

A lot of depressed people have sleep issues.

I've spent many nights just not being able to sleep, despite how tired I am.

Then I blame myself for not being able to sleep ('stupid girl, can't even sleep right,') which makes zero sense, and is the depression itself, twisting my perception of the situation.

Some nights, when things were bad, I'd wake up about 4am, anxious as all hell about everything and nothing; thoughts twist in the middle of the night, and just get worse the longer you lie alone in the dark.

Please, if this ever happens to you - get the hell up and wake up someone to talk to. I don't care if they moan and throw a pillow at you. I don't care if you have to phone them 60 times or more. Do it.

If you can't think of anyone to phone then find your country on this list and find a helpline. Please.

Loss of appetite

At my worst, I spent a few days living on the occasional bag of  slowly-eaten crisps.

Please don't confuse this with an eating disorder - which is a separate condition. This is, in fact, a highly-telling symptom of depression.

It was horrible. I didn't feel sick, just... blocked off. Like someone had sewn up my mouth, or placed a tube down my throat.

My brain was sending me the signal that I couldn't eat. It wouldn't work - because of whatever this blockage was. It was one of the strangest and most physical feelings of my life.

I wanted to eat - oh God, I wanted to eat - but... Imagine being a needle-phobic diabetic.  You know you need insulin. You want to inject it. But actually bringing yourself to do it is immensely difficult.

Muscle Twitching

This can occur when you're uber-anxious, but, for me, it's worse when I'm tired.

I went through a short period when this was particularly bad - I was exhausted (I wasn't sleeping very well,) and, lying on the sofa, or in bed, your body does these little jumps by itself - a muscle in your arm, your back, whatever. Sometimes a finger moves, or your leg jerks.

It's unnerving as all hell - particularly early on, when I didn't know what was happening to me. It's pretty scary - especially when you're already in a pretty dark and anxious place.

Thank God it doesn't happen so often now. I hate it.

Coldness

You want proof of the physicality of mental illnesses? There were periods of time where I couldn't warm my hands up.

They were literally cold to the touch - it's actually a pretty common symptom of depression.

So, hopefully I haven't bummed you all out too much. I just figured it was something that needed to be discussed - and that's what I do in 'Nerd Church' after all.

I'm feeling better than the darkest times guys, honestly. But some days, or some parts of the day, are still very difficult.

If you ever go through something similar - just know that there are people who care.


Nerd Church is a weekly post where I talk about various issues. Feel free to continue the discussion - but please link back here. :)


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• Nerd Church - Look for the Light
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